No matter where we are in our relationships we can begin to get more of what we want simply by changing our thoughts about our partner.

Typically, as a relationship progresses we begin to notice things we don't like. We tend to fall into the trap of trying to change unwanted qualities or behaviors, usually by making our partner feel bad when the negative trait manifests itself. This is usually due to the conditioning we received from our past, which says, "Punish bad behavior to discourage future infractions". This method appears to work at first, and it always, always comes with a high price.

Punishment builds resentment no matter what the results are. It places one partner above the other, as a parent to a child. Punishment says, "I love you...but, only when you behave in a way that pleases me, I value my selfishness over yours." It's impossible to punish someone for being selfish because the very act of puninishing another for their selfisheness is selfishness itself. Punishment creates conflict, and conflict leads to stress and frustration.

None of us got together with our partner in order to endure unhappiness. We entered into the relatioship with our partner, because in the beginning, they made us feel good. Good about ourselves, about life and our future together. It's this good feeling that we both desire, it's the giving and receiving of this that creates a a solid relationship.

So. How do we get back to that good feeling place from a place of frustration and resentment?

By appreciating. A little bit of appreciation is very effective at getting the results we desire. The great part about appreciation is that we are each in complete control of it. We can choose to appreciate that which we enjoy at any time in any moment. A little bit of appreciation daily for our partner - whether they're near us or not - causes us to respond to them differently when they are with us, and our appreciation is felt by our partner, even if we don't vocalize it.

Speaking the phrase "thank you" alone isn't always enough, the magic of appreciation is found in the internal feeling of genuine gratitude for our partner's positive aspects that is felt and affects change. Letting the internal feelings flow to the external, however, gives us the best of both worlds.

Here's a simple experiment you can try yourself. It's based on a principle that says, "What we focus upon expands."

At least once a day, for the next two weeks, take 17 seconds and focus upon a positive aspect of your partner that you enjoy. Really get into the feeling place of your appreciation. See it, feel it, know it. The next time your partner exhibits this quality in your everyday life, reward them with appreciation in that moment, without telling them what it's for. It can be as simple as a smile, or a hug, or a squeeze on the knee. If they ask you what that was for, just say something like, "because I love you."

If you watch, you will notice how much more often this quality manifests itself.

We know you'll be amazed at how big a difference 17 seconds a day of focused appreciation can make in your relationship without you ever having to change a single thing about your partner.

Let us know of your results. We look forward to your stories of success.