As a betrayed partner this was one of the first questions that I asked my husband when I found out about his affairs. Each affair elicited the same response from me. "Did you think about me?"

I wanted to know it all! Did he think of me before he decided to sleep with her, did he think of me while he was sleeping with her.

When a betrayed partner asks this question it is because she does not comprehend where she fits in the affair. She doesn't understand that the affair is not about her.

To the betrayed spouse, the affair is all about them. They do not understand that the affair is not their fault and they are not the central person in the affair.

This is a difficult concept for the betrayed partner to grasp. It causes intense pain that they could so easily be forgotten. To the betrayed partner, they feel as if they have been tossed aside and they are seeking validation that they are important.

If you are a betrayed spouse please try to understand that the affair isn't about you. It is about your spouse and what is lacking in your spouse. While you should own your part in the problems of the relationship, know that you have no responsibility to own the affair.

If you are the unfaithful spouse, you need to approach this question from your spouse with caution. Answer truthfully. Do not hold back, thinking that you are sparing your spouse from some pain. It is likely that your spouse already knows that you did not think of them while you were engaged in the affair. You need to validate that your spouse is important to you, that the marriage is important to you, and that you are willing to do what ever it takes to help them see that. Above all, be honest. You will do your spouse no favors by continuing any deceit.